How I went from being socially anxious to master conversationalist in a year
Ten pointers for the socially awkward
One recent morning, I jolted out of bed wondering to myself, what if I ever forget how to talk to people again? I never want to be in the sort of place I was in eighteen months ago, when I emerged out of COVID having lost track of all the million ways in which my autistic brain had taught itself to act in social situations. Of all my personal essays, this is the one I address the most to myself - should I emerge as a social recluse from the gap year I am about to undertake, I will use this hodgepodge of pointers as my guide - but it is also my hope that if some kindred soul is still figuring out the convoluted art of conversation, then these ten bullet points serve as a soothing balm.
Preserve your social energy: Your need to share the thoughts bouncing about inside your brain is diminished if as soon as these thoughts begin forming you decide to channel them through Twitter. Shitposting is great, but what is more meaningful is giving your internal monologue the respect it deserves by allowing your thoughts time to become fully formed masses. Do not let external voyeurs in without a ticket. Think of every thought you have as a quantum addition to your stock of social energy: if you use up every quantum as it comes, you will never have a sufficiently large enough bag of energy to dip into while you are in need of it.
Aim to be an effective storyteller: People love stories. Our species has made up customs and festivals just so that we can amuse ourselves with narratives. Keep ready a cache of stories and anecdotes that you are excited to share with fellow conversationalists at all times. Use the phrase, "This reminds me of the time when I …" wherever you need to extend conversations and go on to use the same props and literary devices that you would do in writing. The trick is to make connections with happenings in your life as soon as you hear a stranger hint at something tangentially related. When going for lighter anecdotes, take time to set your story up, get your narrative flowing smoothly, and end with a flash of humor or ridicule.
Master body language: Have one anchored pose that you are perfectly comfortable assuming. This is the posture you will maintain while going for a neutral subtext (which is what you will need most of the time). For example, I like to assume a variation of Rodin's Thinker whereby I rest my curled fist on my knee and use my free hand to support my chin. Lean in while you're talking; smirk and smile; use your hands and wrists artfully and strategically. But do not overdo this - you want to seem interested but also self-assured. Here's the key idea: your body language must convey that while you totally want to learn about how they felt when they landed their big break at work, you don't need to.1
Don't care so much: The single biggest mistake that kept me from making more friends in my undergraduate years. At the end of the day, they are simply another, flawed human being, just like you. Do they lack the metacognition to identify with your shared humanness? Their loss; you just dodged a bullet. The single best quality you can cultivate in your 20s is the ability to laugh at yourself. Kickstart a chain of thought even as you are only joining the beads together in your brain; if you realize midway through the sentence that your train of thought makes little sense, you can always fall back on the cute self-awareness that is reflected by the phrase, "Actually, I don't even know what I'm talking about, I must flush myself down the toilet." Self-deprecation is a sexy tool, as long as it is not overused.
Take genuine interest in the lives and philosophies of others: This is easy to do because no human leads an uninteresting life. Even the most vanilla person you will meet has a story to tell. If done well, this is guaranteed to work like a charm every single time because it is such a low-hanging fruit: far too many folks my age limp through life without ever meeting an alter ego who is genuinely interested in understanding their personhood. Show interest, memorize the little things they share with you, be meticulous, and you will be appreciated.
Assume the best about people, until you have contradictory evidence: Our current climate of risk-aversion and political polarization predisposes us against admitting this, but most people are only trying to live life the way they know best. They form opinions on good faith and update prior beliefs when new information accumulates. If you assume from the get-go that they must be bad-faith actors, you do disservice not just to others, but also to yourself. Think about how silly it is to spend your time meeting a new person scrounging around for information confirming the prior that they are a terrible human being. Always remember that risk-taking is at the heart of social interaction; contempt breeds collapse.
Fiercely protect your mental health: My brain is my most trusted and important resource so I must take care of it as Mumbai Indians takes care of Jasprit Bumrah. Diversify the sources you have to derive happiness from. Sit with your thoughts and enjoy your private moments, for this is how you produce ideas which give you joy to share with other people. It is also where you will encounter concepts that are too involved to be communicated through the medium of conversation - read books and browse platforms such as Substack. Solitude is essential for company; introversion prepares you for extraversion. (But, when you are done stewing in the bathwater of your brain, go punch a bag, for surrendering to your emotions is as harmful as being oblivious of them.)
They think I'm an oddball? Great!: Friendship with normies is lifeless. But guess what? So is friendship with an eccentric but self-conscious person. Have your quirks, but be proud of them. When someone calls you out on one of your idiosyncrasies, own it. Beam back at them with the kind of resplendent grin that says, "Yes, I know, isn't it wonderful?"
Be tender (but not all the time): Be reflective like a poet. Gaze into the horizon while musing about the beauty and pain of lost childhood. But do not go too far with this, you must try to be capable of flitting effortlessly between tenderness and carefreeness. Remember that strong emotions are rewarding when felt in the moment - in fact they must be felt in the moment else one doesn't know oneself - but if you keep chewing over them like a teenager who has received her first smartphone, then they will consume you like poison.
Trust your social instincts: Social interaction is fundamentally non-rational. “Lazy learning algorithms” do not work at the dinner table because of the importance of fast and frugal decision-making. The key benefit to trusting your social instincts - even if you believe they are inefficient in their current form - is that your instincts can be bettered only through practice. And to set yourself up for effective practice, you must be confident. Repeat to yourself in your spare time that you are playing a game in which the first rule is you must not systemize your actions while play is ongoing. You must, instead, act on instinct in the moment and systemize later. Because being confident about your poor instincts is way more attractive than being timid about your mediocre instincts. Oftentimes, confidence is more valuable than correctness.
A wonderful starting point to learn about nonverbal communication is Allan and Barbara Pease's “The Definitive Book of Body Language”.
🙃